Day 23: 1639

You actually can improve within a few weeks!

But there seems to be this universal rule that you will hardly recognize it in your daily life. Habits are habits and you are always just living inside your head, doing what you think is making sense at the moment. We probably also do a lot of stuff that doesn´t make sense to us but we decide to behave in a certain way and somehow we stick to it.

As for others it´s much easier to judge, compare and associate what we do. I guess its comparable to 90s horror movies- they turn us into smartasses that shout at TVs, giving practical advise to fictional characters that will just keep on doing what they do. Every now and then we tend to do it in real life too because there isn´t so much as a difference. Reality is mostly perception and whatever we choose to life in becomes some kind of invisible, liquid rulebook rushing through our veins. To fully understand certain behaviors you can´t judge from the outside, even though it´s your only option. I sound like a hippie right now but the point is:

There are a lot of things in my daily life that I want to do but I choose not to because I prefer to stay inside. And back home it makes perfect sense, so there´s no need to really change something. But during the last weeks I had to assimilate my behavior to a lot of very different realities and mindsets in a short time- I sometimes just forgot "how I am" and ended up with a completely improvised version of myself that I probably even like a little bit better right now. Funny thing.

I have been away for a short time, but long enough to forget how things have been. I miss certain people and some pieces of my interior but I never stay home for long anyway so I´m not really looking forward to coming back at this point. Chances are high that I´ll just slip back into working non stop but never really taking the time work on things I really wanna do. I set some goals for myself here and I guess I´ll have to work hard on myself to not trade them for other peoples goals.

Talking with this many new people made me realize what I am really passionate about and I should keep that in mind. There are a lot of options out there I didn´t really consider until just recently and I feel like a complete fool now that I know.

On my flight from Curacao to Miami I sat next to an elderly guy from LA. He was a sculptor and just came from a workshop by scientology, naturally trying to get me into this stuff too. It reached the point where he took out a rulebook from his bag "that he just happened to find there, what a coincidence" and gave it to me. The flight attendants noticed, came up and asked me to go with them. We went to the back of the plane, to that little room where all the food is, they closed the curtain and suddenly started to laugh. "We just had to save you", one of them said, obviously proud. I was allowed to stay there for the whole flight and we talked a little. As they found out that I carry an instrument they asked me to play them a song and for some reason I didn´t even hesitate, I RAN to my seat, grabbed the ukulele and started playing a few songs for them. The attendants and a friend of them started dancing, clapping ad even filmed the whole thing (chances are high that I am on youtube now I guess). I got 3 warm dishes served for free (and man I was really hungry) and they filled my backpack with brownies, protein boxes, chips and everything they could find. As we would land they took a lot of pictures of us and wrote down all their contact details for me in case I should ever play a show in Florida. That was crazy and it was good. I usually dont play unfinished songs for people but once I stopped thinking everything turned out great.

Judging from the inside, I improved.